Rise of a Phoenix Page 15

  Zee, as so often was the case, was right even in death. I focused on my breathing, slowing it until my body calmed. Every beat of my heart sent a pulse of pain through my hand and up my arm. I had to figure this shit out and there was no time to do anything but fully embrace it. Whatever belief I had that perhaps I would go back to being normal after all of this had to be banished.

  The fire in the center of me did not want to be beckoned out. “I do not have time for this shit.” I snarled the words as I mentally grabbed at the fire. “You belong to me. You do not belong to Strike or any other abnormal. Do what you’re fucking told!”

  The fire roared upward and through me, rising along my arm and then engulfing my hand in the heat of its flames. I pulled the power up through me and it took everything I had, every ounce of willpower in me to direct it. Around the flames, I could feel the compulsion that Strike had put on me and I realized it had nothing to do with the flames, it had to do with what was inside my head. He’d slid thoughts into me that were eating away at my confidence. I could see them like an army of tiny ants that marched through my brain, taking tiny bites of me, eroding who I knew myself to be.

  The dirty fucker had messed with me. I pulled away from Killian and fell forward onto my elbows and knees as I called more of the fire to me. Mine, this fire was mine and I would use it to burn through the world if I had to, if that’s what it took to find Bear. I lit the ants of doubt on fire, smiling as they curled up, smoking and peeling away from my mind until they were all gone. Strike’s compulsion was shredded and every lie down to the last eaten by the flames.

  The heat rose and with it the air around me lifted, floating my hair around my face as I let the fire purge me of the hold that Strike had put on me.

  Slowly I stood, the flames licking along every piece of my body, warming me. I wondered if I’d burned my clothes off. If so, Killian was getting quite the show. I didn’t open my eyes, I didn’t need to see the fire. I knew it inside and out, and I was not going to let anyone take it from me again. This was my birthright and it would rise or fall with me.

  The seconds ticked by and I let the flames die, lowering my hands. I didn’t even realize I’d raised them in the first place. As the heat dissipated, sliding from me and leaving me with a faint chill, I finally opened my eyes. Clothes were still on, so that was a nice perk.

  Killian stared at me from twenty feet away, wide eyes and jaw hanging open. “That was quite the show. Wanna give me some warnin’ next time?”

  I looked around me. The earth was scorched where I’d stood, and Killian had moved to the outer ring of that fire. I looked down at my left hand. The bones were back in place. The skin was healed but still scarred, as if to remind me of the damage done. I flexed my fingers and grimaced. The hand was tight, as if it were not fully functioning. But at least I still had it, something that had been in question only moments before. Even as I thought it, the tightness receded. I’d take it, scars and all.

  “Sorry. I didn’t quite know what I was doing,” I said.

  He grunted. “Good to know.”

  I snapped my fingers on my right hand for Abe and he trotted to me, totally unbothered by the fact I’d just exploded in flame, scorching the ground around me. Thank God for dogs and their unconditional connection to their people. Abe tucked in beside me, giving me a hip check as he went by.

  “Not that I’m not grateful for the rescue.” I started back down the trail that would lead us to what was left of the house. “But why aren’t you back there digging through the rubble?”

  Killian said, “I thought it best to check on you on the off chance that your brother circled around and came after you while you were dealing with the big beasties.”

  I nodded my thanks.

  It didn’t take us long to get back to the house site and the mess there. Dead things littered the charred rubble. Rubble that Daniel had been determined to get through. I frowned, thinking about some of the things we’d learned. I pulled the journal from under my shirt and opened it. From it, I exposed the deal between Romano and Bazixal.

  “Strike gave this to you, right?” I held the paper out in front of me. Dinah shivered, the equivalent of a nod.

  “Yes, he did. He told me to hide it well,” she said.

  Which she’d done, hiding it in the layers of the cover of her journal. The other coded paper was done in Justin’s handwriting with the things needed to make the bullet that would kill Romano. At the bottom of the translation and the original were two small marks that had tugged at my mind since I’d seen them. A single star drawn twice.

  Killian leaned over to look at it. “That’s the mark the professor mentioned.”

  The memory came back to me in a rush as I ran my fingers over the double stars. “It’s the same two stars as on the small safe Justin had when he was a kid. He showed it to me once, not long before the accident, like it was a big joke.”

  I walked into our bedroom to see Justin sitting at the edge of the room with his back to the wall, a small gray metal box in his lap. The cover of it faced me, with two stars hand-scratched into it. Probably from a knife, if the rough edges spoke truthfully.

  “What’s that?” I strolled toward him, my curiosity piqued.

  Justin glanced up at me and then back down to the box. “When I was a kid, me and my best friend each had one of these.” He tapped the edge of it, the gray metal tinging, and then grinned up at me. “We thought we could use it to share things.”

  I frowned and sat beside him. Inside the box were a few packages of weeds carefully labeled, a tiny bit of gold and a few slips of paper with silly words scrawled on them.

  I reached in and pushed a few things around with the tip of a finger. “What do you mean share things?”

  He laughed. “Well, in our infinite wisdom, we believed because we both scratched the same design into the lid, that the boxes would be linked. For instance, if he put something in his box, it would appear in mine. And of course, vice versa.” He flashed me another grin. “You can imagine our disappointment the first time we tried it.”

  I laughed softly and pushed the lid closed. “You should show Bear sometime. He’d like that story.”

  He put the box to the side and pulled me onto his lap, kissing me hard.

  “That . . . that was what Noah had been going after.” I frowned as my memories swirled around me, teasing me forward. “The first time Noah came to my house after the accident, I didn’t know it was him but . . . he stripped my bedroom and took the family Bible. But that was just a ruse, I think, something to throw me off. We’re looking for a gray metal box with two stars etched onto it, just like these.” I waved the paper and then tucked it away again.

  I stepped through the rubble of my home, the only true home I’d ever known, and the anger in me sparked and grew.

  I was going to end this chess game. I was going to bring Bear home and we were going to start again.

  I could see the house in my mind’s eye, the rooms laid out, the hallways, the kitchen and bathrooms. I stopped moving, standing in what had been the center of the home, the main living room. Bits and pieces of the furniture peered through the stacks of charred lumber. I was surprised that there was anything left, to be honest. Which meant at some point, the fire trucks had arrived and put the flames out, or at least I assumed that. Maybe the town had just let it burn. That wouldn’t surprise me.

  Killian lifted a chunk of wood and flipped it to one side. “Unless you know exactly where he might have hidden the box, we could be here a long time. And then there is your dear brother. He could come back at any point and try to finish things.”

  Time was not something we had. I crouched, thinking of all the places Justin might have hidden the box containing the things we needed. “Dinah, did anyone ever come into the barn?”

  “What, into our room?” She snorted. “Only you.”

  I frowned, turned and stared down at the barn, a thought hitting me hard. “When . . . when I came for you and Eleanor righ
t after I lost Bear and Justin, you said it had been months since you’d seen me last.”

  “Right.” She sounded confused, but my heart had begun to beat very fast.

  “Dinah, I hadn’t been into that room in years. But you said months. I just didn’t think about it at the time. What did I do when I came in prior to that day?”

  “Holy shit,” she whispered. “You had a box in your hands. A box you tucked in behind some of the guns. We tried talking to you but you ignored us and just went right back out. Someone . . . looked like you? An illusionist like me, maybe?”

  My heart wasn’t slowing. I couldn’t slow it because I didn’t want to believe the truth that was pouring through me. Slowly I turned to look at Killian. “I only know one chameleon. Is it possible he could look like other people?”

  “Simon.” Killian breathed out the name. “It’s possible, and it would make sense with his other abilities.”

  I put a hand to my head. “But if Simon . . . was here then, months before the accident, why didn’t he try to kill me then? How did he get the box from Justin and why the fuck did he hide it?”

  Part of my brain tried to tell me what I didn’t want to see, and that only made my anger rise. I backed off the pile of rubble.

  Killian’s eyes went soft and I could see that he’d come to a conclusion. “Lass. Do you not see who he is? Or would you rather I say it out loud?”

  “God,” I whispered. “I took his head. He killed Zee and I took his head,” I whispered through the horror as it hit me just what had happened.

  The pieces slid together, and even though I didn’t understand every single step, I knew it. Simon was a chameleon.

  Simon was Justin.

  I’d taken Simon’s head and in effect killed Bear’s father. I spun and threw up on the burned charred bits of the home we’d lived in for more than ten years together. Laughing, loving, raising Bear. I puked until my stomach was empty of anything that resembled food or fluid.

  A cool breeze brushed over my face.

  Martin.

  A hand touched my back.

  Killian.

  I thought about meeting Simon for the first time.

  How he’d acted as though he loved me from the beginning. How he’d known about things I liked without asking, like my coffee. Remembering the hotel room when I’d been sick, dying, and he’d fought to keep me alive, and how I’d seen his face then, how I’d thought he’d been Justin for just a moment.

  How jealous he’d been of Killian.

  I didn’t understand how it was possible. I only knew it was true. Simon was Justin, and I’d killed my own husband in a fit of rage.

  15

  I kept backing away from the rubble of my home, the rubble of my heart, and the memories of the man at the center of it. The man I’d once loved and thought loved me. I struggled to breathe around the realization that Simon hadn’t been Simon at all.

  Simon . . . was Justin.

  Killian spoke to me but his words were a white humming noise that didn’t penetrate the shock that had a hold on me. I shook my head. “I’m going to get the box. Stay here.”

  I needed a few minutes to clear away the buzzing going on in my brain. This was all too much and I wasn’t sure I could handle what was being thrown at me. Justin. Simon. The same man? Why hadn’t he told me? Why hadn’t he tried to save Bear on his own if he’d known that he was with Romano? He had to have known that Bear was with Romano. There was no way he couldn’t.

  So many things made sense now, though. Like how Abe had always liked Simon. How he’d never once growled at him. The way Simon had found me so easily. How he’d known so much and yet acted like he knew so little. Pretended not to have done his homework to keep from letting too much slip. All of it lined up with the truth as I saw it now. Right down to the fact that I’d not been good at being able to see if Simon was lying or not, the same way I’d not been able to see if Justin had been lying or not.

  “Fuck, shit, damn.” I hit the side of the barn before I stepped through the door, rattling the wooden boards.

  I grabbed the sliding door and yanked it shut behind me, blocking me from Killian’s sight. In the semi-darkness of the barn I let myself feel everything. The anger that stemmed from the lies, but more than that, the hurt and shock. I bent at the waist and put my hands on my thighs.

  “Dinah, Simon was Justin. Justin didn’t die, he . . . he didn’t come back to me. He ran the fuck away. He didn’t really love me.” I stood up as that realization bitch-slapped me. Justin could have come back to me, but he hadn’t. And he hadn’t gone after Bear either. He’d just fucked off, not bothering to come to me until I’d made my way back to New York and he’d been contracted to kill me. Probably that was a ruse too. My breath came in short gasps as I tried to keep up with my heart. It beat so fast, I was sure it was going to explode. I slid to my knees, shaking. I could barely think through the truth as it tightened its hold on me.

  “He . . . couldn’t have loved us. If I’d even suspected he was alive, I would have searched for him.” I shook, my muscles reacting to the shock, and I couldn’t stop the involuntary movement.

  “Why would he do that?” Dinah asked. “Why would he leave you all alone? Why wouldn’t he tell you the truth? Why wouldn’t he just . . . I don’t even know what to say, Nixi. I’m sorry you were married to a selfish asshole . . .”

  She trailed off and I knew the feeling, because I didn’t know what to say any more than she did.

  “Dinah, he’d been trying to get me to fall back in love with him when I was truly myself, as Nix. But I’d only loved him when I’d been pretending to be the perfect little housewife.”

  “You were born a tiger, Nix,” she said. “And you hid as a lamb, and it was the lamb he loved. But your stripes were always going to show through. You were never meant to be a meek woman who feared the world, who needed to be protected. Maybe he didn’t understand that.”

  I put a hand over her in her holster, the closest thing to a hug I could give her. “Thank you.”

  “Killian is a tiger,” Dinah went on. “That’s why it works. Why it will work when this is done.”

  I swallowed hard. “Nothing is working until Bear is safe. And that means all this shit with the past needs to be pushed aside.”

  “I don’t understand one thing. He loved Bear, didn’t he?” Dinah asked the question I didn’t really have an answer to. “Why would he risk Bear?”

  “I don’t know that he knew Bear was at risk. Maybe he just wanted to be free of being trapped in Jackson Hole with us. I don’t know.” I pressed my hands into my face and then stood, my resolve firming once more as I shoved all the emotions to the back of my heart. I needed to have my focus and that meant I needed to not give a shit about anyone else.

  Zee was right, emotions would be the death of me. One step at a time, and then when everything was done, I would deal with whatever the past was. With a lot of therapy. And maybe a lot of chocolate.

  “I need that box before we do anything else. We need the ingredients for the bullet.” I strode to where the hidden mechanism was that would let me into my stash of weapons inside the barn. I reached up under the saddle and pulled the lever, and the covered doorway swung inward. I found the light and pulled the cord, turning it on with a click. The light bloomed, swaying a little from the force of me turning it on. I lifted a hand to still it.

  “Dinah, do you remember where he put the box?” I struggled to speak as my anger ebbed and flowed through my body. I couldn’t escape the truths that had been thrown at me, much as I wanted to. Justin had been with me all along. He could have told me what he knew. I paused, struggling to breathe around a particularly tough moment of rage that blacked out my vision. We could have gotten Bear back, and more than that, I would never have grieved for my son. I would have known from the beginning that he was alive. Justin, Simon, whoever he really was had let me suffer.

  “Motherfucker.” I growled the word under my breath as I fought to keep
from screaming it.

  “In the back corner on the right-hand side,” Dinah said. “Underneath the rocket launcher. I’m guessing he figured you wouldn’t be using that any time soon.”

  I strode to the back of the room and lifted the launcher out carefully. Underneath it lay the metal box with the two stars etched into it, covered with a thin layer of dust. I picked the box up and blew across the top. The stars had rusted since I saw them last, making them rough under my fingers. I opened the box and inside there was a note folded on top with my name, my real name, printed on it in Justin’s handwriting.

  “He knew all along, Daniel was right about that much,” I said. I didn’t know if I should have been surprised at that point.

  “Makes sense in a weird kind of way,” Dinah said softly. “Didn’t you ever wonder at the circumstances of how he met you, of how quickly you fell for him?”

  I thought back to that moment I was sure I loved him. We’d been on a few dates and he introduced me to Noah. The three of us had laughed and talked for hours, and by the end of the night, I’d felt the closest thing to love that I’d experienced in years. I wanted to be with Justin, wanted to spend my life with him. To make a life with him. Before that . . . he’d been a fling, a person to hide with for a little while before I moved on to somewhere else. How had I lost my heart that fast, how had I done such a big turnaround?

  I shook my head. “It makes sense now. But I was blind to him, Dinah. How could I have been so stupid? I’m trained to pick up on shit like this and yet I didn’t. Not for a second.”

  “I don’t know,” she said. “But it doesn’t matter at this moment in time. What matters is that we are close to killing Romano and that means we are close to getting Bear back.”

  I drew a breath and let it out. The paper tugged at me, though. I held it in one hand and peered into the box. Inside were the remaining ingredients I needed as part of the bullet—minus the ruby ring for the grindings of a curse. The different herbs would have taken time, some of them rarer than rare. This was going to save us running all over the countryside, at least. I closed the lid and looked at the paper in my hand.