Midlife Witch Hunter (The Forty Proof Series Book 6) Read online

  “Quite,” Robert said. “And that’s from the guy who’s been walking around in rags for a couple hundred years.”

  There he was, the Robert I knew. I squeezed his hand tighter. “I like this temperature. My skin is too hot.”

  Bridgette held the light up a little higher. “Don’t humans get something like fire ass?”

  “Fire . . . ass?” I’ll admit, I stumbled over that one a bit. “What is that?”

  Kinkly answered. “Goblins go through the life changes too, you know. When they are closing in on triple digits, they get fire ass.”

  Fire ass.

  Hot flashes.

  I blew out a breath because I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry. Duck it. I started to laugh. “Fire ass sounds a helluva a lot more impressive than ‘hot flash.’”

  “Well, to be fair, they can actually catch fire.” Bridgette shuddered as we paused at an intersection, holding the light up to read some inscription etched into the stone. She nodded to herself, then took a left-hand turn. “So maybe you’ve got the better deal.”

  “At least you aren’t part goblin,” Kinkly whispered.

  We went on like that for some time, pausing at intersections, waiting for Bridgette to direct us to whichever tunnel she thought was good. The air was cold on my hot skin, the path was quiet and dark. But otherwise, the tunnels were easy. No demon fae, and Karissa’s executioners hadn’t followed us in.

  A win for us across the board.

  “We aren’t far now,” Bridgette said. “A couple more turns, and we can leave through the Paris exit.”

  Kinkly shuddered. “Good, I’m freezing my feet off.”

  We started down the tunnel, the light bouncing a little. A click on the stone in front of us stopped us all. Like a pebble falling maybe. Or maybe a drop of water. Nothing serious, right?

  Bridgette held up a hand. “Wait. I hear something.”

  We all held perfectly still, the silence of the drilled-out rock tunnels beating against us. All I could hear was my own heartbeat. Kinkly gave a low moan. “Oh no.”

  Bridgette began to shake, so hard that the lantern light flickered. I let go of her hand and grabbed the light, holding it up high. “I don’t hear anything.” Just that one pebble falling. If the beastie had dislodged a single pebble, how big and bad could it really be?

  I turned to the left, nothing. But to the right . . . well, to the right was a problem.

  Chapter

  Eleven

  “Snicken,” Kinkly whispered in my ear and the . . . thing . . . twisted its head toward her. Which meant it looked right at me. And I use the word head loosely, because this creature was ducking weird.

  The ‘snicken,’ if that’s what it was, looked like a cross between a chicken and a snake, if such a thing could possibly exist. Yes, I was looking right at it, and even though I didn’t remember eating any half moldy cheese, it seemed more reasonable to assume I was having a food-induced hallucination than that this thing actually existed. Maybe the poison from the arrow was still working through me. The snicken stood over seven feet tall, and most of its body was covered in feathers, though the color was hard to see in the lantern light. Maybe black. Maybe dark brown. The head was elongated with massive fangs lining the top and bottom of a jaw that looked like it had been borrowed from an alligator, yet a long, forked tongue flipped out from between the fangs, tasting the air. The long neck was covered in feathers even as it spread wide like the hood of a damn cobra. Body of a chicken, clawed talons, and a long featherless, scaled tail spooled out from behind it, flipping lazily back and forth from one tunnel wall to the other.

  Six months before, I would have passed out, pooped my pants, or flat out screamed. But I was no spring chicken—see what I did there?—and I was too damn tired to run. I also had no shits left to give.

  “You a guardian or something?” I held the lantern up higher, forcing the snicken’s head back a bit. Bridgette gave a whimper, and Robert tugged on my arm.

  “You can’t make friends with this one,” Kinkly whispered.

  “Not trying to make friends.” I shoved the lantern closer yet, and the snicken squinted its chicken eyes at me, not liking the light. A low hiss began in its throat as the neck feathers bristled. Yup, definitely cobra stuff going on there. “I saw a documentary on snake charming. Once. Let’s try it.”

  I swayed the lantern from left to right, and the snicken followed the glow.

  I kept the swaying up, back and forth, as I shoved Bridgette lightly with my other hand. “Start walking slowly. I’ll keep it distracted. Someone keep hold of me so we don’t lose each other.”

  Bridgette squeaked, but she did as I said, and then we were doing this weird parade where we continued walking slowly backward with the snicken following us.

  “They are venomous,” Kinkly whispered. “One bite and you’re done. Nothing can heal their bite.”

  “Lovely,” I whispered back, sweating now. Maybe I was part goblin, because there was so much heat rolling off my skin, it felt like my ass was on fire. I’d love to say it was just nerves, but this felt like I had hot embers inside my clothing, burning through everything.

  Of all the times to get my true first hot flash, this was probably the worst. And yet, here we were. Having a hot flash while a monster stared us down. Just perfect. Just another day in the exciting life of Bree O’Rylee.

  “You’re doing great.” Robert was helping me walk backward, keeping me from falling over. “How’s the arm?”

  I swayed the lantern back and forth easily, but I could feel the strain starting from keeping it up so high. “As long as we aren’t in here for like another hour, we should be good.”

  Bridgette squeaked from the front of our group. “Bigger problem.”

  I didn’t dare look. “Seriously?”

  “These tunnels lead to the land of the demon fae. They’re like a highway,” she said. “And they are full of guardians. We’ve been lucky so far. Maybe because the king went ahead of us.”

  Lucky so far. “Crash could have cleared the path?” Maybe that’s why the council had agreed this was a good idea.

  Bridgette bobbed her head. “It’s likely.”

  Of course, no one had mentioned that before we came in here. “How bad could the guardians be?”

  A beastie roared in front of her in answer and then something slammed into my back, throwing me and the lantern directly at the snicken.

  The world slowed down, so I got to watch as the snicken’s eyes widened along with its mouth.

  I ended up slamming into the long-necked monster and grabbing it around the neck, giving it a hug and clamping its flaring neck flaps down. Could it bite me from this position? I wasn’t sure. I was pretty high up on its neck.

  Kinkly squealed right in my ear, Robert was yelling, and Bridgette was screaming in a pitch that only dogs should be able to hear. The snicken thrashed its neck, trying to dislodge me, but I was so far up that it couldn’t do much more than shake. I squeezed a little tighter and tried to dredge up what I knew about catching snakes.

  Not much.

  “What’s the other monster?” I hollered. I couldn’t see anything, thrashing around with a snicken, the lantern bobbing in my hand, my face all but buried in its neck feathers.

  “Wendigo!” Robert yelled back.

  Oh, that one I knew from Gran’s earlier teachings. Built kind of like a man, but tall, slim, and with a voracious appetite. They’d eat your body and your soul given the chance.

  Bridgette’s screaming suddenly cut off, and the snicken began to slump under me, sliding to the ground, head tipping forward. I hit the tunnel floor but kept my grip on it.

  “I think you choked it out,” Kinkly yelped.

  I wasn’t about to let go and find out the thing was faking. I lifted my head out of the feathers, though, and could see what was happening with my friends.

  Robert had put himself between the wendigo and Bridgette, and they were pinned against a wall. The wendigo had mottled gray and white skin that kind of glowed in the semi-darkness, and its limbs moved at a speed that my eyes had a hard time tracking. No eyes, no nose, just a mouth filled with tiny silver teeth. Those did catch the light, quite well actually.

  “Kinkly, is this thing out?”

  She moved gingerly up its neck, dancing across the feathers. “Huh. You really did choke it out cold! I didn’t think you were that strong with those weak old lady arms—”

  “Not now.” I didn’t know for sure that I could do what my brain said I needed to do. But I wasn’t going to question it. Robert and Bridgette were in trouble. I set the lantern down and kept hanging onto the snicken.

  Call me crazy, but I thought the big bird snake thing was faking it. Still holding its neck in one arm, I reached for my knife. Pulling it free, I took a breath. I would have one throw, and one throw only.

  My view of the wendigo was blocked by Robert. “When I say drop, you drop!” I yelled. Robert didn’t answer. “Kinkly, make sure he knows!”

  She took off, her flying slightly ragged because of her stitched-up wing. She landed on his shoulder, and I adjusted my hold on the snicken.

  “Winner, winner,” I whispered. “Chicken dinner.”

  I gripped the knife in my hand and took a steadying breath. Then, with as much speed as I could muster, I sat up. “Duck!”

  “You said drop!” Kinkly yelled back.

  Drop, duck, whatever! Robert went down and I threw the knife, fully releasing the snicken’s neck so I could make the move.

  The beast was a total faker.

  The elongated face shot back toward me, and I rolled to the side, dodging the open mouth and taking the lantern with me. I’d like to say I shot to my feet and ran to my friends.

  Nope, stumbled, landed back on my ass, and ended up holding the lantern in front of me as my only protection against the snicken.

  The wendigo’s screams lit the air and then it rushed in our direction. I saw my knife sticking out of its chest.

  “That’s mine!” I yelled as I leapt up, grabbed the knife, and yanked it free. I wasn’t about to lose another knife. The wendigo spun to face me. I mean, it had no face, but you catch my drift.

  I grimaced. “Bad placement. Look behind you.”

  The wendigo whipped around just as the snicken launched a full attack, mouth wide open, eyes narrowed. The two monsters went to the ground, writhing and screeching, hissing and biting. I pushed back across the floor on my butt until I was against a wall, barely dodging a flip of the snicken’s barbed tail. Barbed? Damn, I hadn’t seen that before! I kicked it away. Hands helped me up, and then the three of us were running through the tunnels, Kinkly sobbing as she clung to Robert’s earlobe.

  There was no pretense of being quiet now. We disturbed a bunch of other guardians, but I think they were as surprised to see us as the first two had been.

  “There, that’s the way out!” Bridgette yelped as the tunnel brightened around us. A way out that was open? It seemed too good to be true. Far too good to be true. Crash must have left it open. Or maybe the people on this side didn’t worry about monsters coming into Paris?

  The light continued to get stronger, illuminating the space around us so I could see the walls, the scores that ran down them as if claws or weapons had been dragged across the surface. The uneven ground we ran across, covered in bones. The fear on Bridgette’s face. The tension in Robert’s. The way Kinkly sobbed as she clung to Robert’s ear.

  Me? I was fine. Weirdly fine and not freaking out, and that kind of freaked me out. Why was I not melting down? Was something wrong with me? Strike that. There were a number of things wrong with me. But was I that far out of ducks to give that even this deep, dark place that led to the demon fae didn’t scare me?

  “I can’t,” Robert said suddenly. “I can’t do it.”

  Now I was more confused than ever. Bridgette slid to a stop, and I all but ran over top of her. “What are you talking about?”

  Robert was shaking as though someone had grabbed his shoulders and was snapping him back and forth. “It’s too much. She’s calling to me. But how?”

  “What’s too much?” I didn’t understand.

  “The darkness,” Bridgette said. “The demons are calling to us. Can’t you feel it?”

  I blinked and looked around. “No.” If I was the only one unaffected, then I had to get us the rest of the way out of here. “Everyone take hold of me. Just close your eyes and let me lead.”

  Bridgette and Kinkly did as they were told, but Robert stepped away. “I don’t want to hurt you, Bree. Something is calling to me, a woman. A voice. She wants you dead.”

  Oh, for duck’s sake. “For right now, Robert, I need you to trust me. Just hang onto my hand for the moment and let me get us out of here before that weird-ass bird snake thing comes for us again!”

  Yelling, I was yelling—let’s just say a little suppressed rage was finally coming to the surface. Or maybe it was a bit of fear, because if Robert was hearing a voice calling to him, ordering him to hurt me . . . who could that be? Was it possible that the first witch was already on to us?

  My voice echoed through the tunnels and something roared in response, the smell of its breath coming up through the shafts. I dropped the lantern, clamped down on Robert’s hand, and all but dragged him and Bridgette the last twenty feet.

  Whatever had roared deep within the tunnels was coming up fast, and I leaned into the effort of getting them out. Bridgette leaned away from me, and Robert literally dragged his feet. It was like some external force was making them resist me.

  “Kinkly, get out the door!”

  She, at least, was able to resist the pull of the demon fae.

  Why, though? And why could I? My connection to the fae had supposedly been severed. Well, no time to consider it right then. One problem at a time.

  We got to the opening, the light beckoning; I shoved Bridgette to safety first so I could turn and grab Robert with both hands. “Come on!”

  “I . . . friend,” he whispered, and his body shimmered.

  Crap on toast, was he going back to being a skeleton?

  What else could possibly go wrong?

  No, don’t answer that.

  Chapter

  Twelve

  That question ‘what else could go wrong’ never even left my mouth, yet the universe still decided to show me up. Hold my beer, it said. Watch what I can do.

  Robert’s eyes rolled and he shook his head violently as I did my best to drag him to the door. Bridgette and Kinkly had already escaped the demon fae tunnels, and here I was with Robert, stuck.

  “Robert, please. Stop fighting me!”

  A snarl ripped out of him. “You will never find me! You will die on the first challenge!” Laughter poured out of him, feminine cackling laughter. The first witch, it had to be her.

  How the hell was this happening? “Fossette, I’m trying to help you!” I yelled.

  All the resistance that had been in Robert’s body suddenly eased up as he leapt toward me.

  “That’s not what I meant!” I yelped as we went down in a tangle. Robert pinned me to the ground with the full length of his body, a growl shuddering through him that I felt in my own body.

  His lips peeled back and . . . no. Just that one word was all I could think. This could not be happening. Fangs, he had fangs. All my earlier fears came rushing back. Vampire. Somehow Robert was . . . a vampire?

  The confusion almost got me killed.

  I got my forearm between us at the last second as his mouth came toward me. His teeth sunk into my arm, between the bracers and the upper jacket—the one vulnerable spot—and a scream ripped out of me. “This is not the way it’s supposed to be, Robert!”

  His growls reverberated on my arm like a damn tuning fork. The roars deep in the cave were getting closer. We were sitting ducks, and if I couldn’t get Robert off me, we were both dead. Well, dead again for him.

  I was stuck. Well and truly stuck. Robert’s other hand reached around and scrabbled at my corset, but the leather held against his efforts.

  The power in my gut, the magic that had so interested Dr. Mori of the shinigami, rolled through me. The power over the dead. I wasn’t sure it would work, but I sure as shit wasn’t going to just let him chew my damn arm off without trying. He’d been dead up until recently, and he seemed to be some variety of undead now, so I was hoping to hell this worked. “Release me!”

  Robert’s jaw popped open, his eyes lost the glazed look, and he went semi-limp. I grabbed him by the ear and dragged him upward with me.

  With one good shove, I got him out of the opening, out of the tunnels.

  I stumbled, arm bleeding and aching, and fell through the opening on the other side. The warmth of the late morning sun was heaven on my face, and I just lay there, soaking it in. “That . . . I don’t want to go back that way. I’ll swim the Atlantic before I go back in there.”

  The bag on my hip rumbled, and teeny tiny voices began to shout at me. I flipped open the bag and dumped the contents out as my friends all regained their original sizes. The stench was something else.

  “Damn it, Penny!” Eammon roared, his fury coming out his back end too. I crinkled up my nose as he let out a massive fart that sounded like thunder and smelled like a backed-up toilet. Suzy and Sarge both clutched at their bellies.

  The four of them immediately started fighting. Eric, of course, was trying to calm things down. I just lay there, breathing in the sort-of fresh air. Glad to be out of the tunnels.

  Propping myself up on my elbows, I caught Bridgette’s eye. Bridgette and Kinkly were staring at me, eyes and mouths perfect circles, faces pale. I touched my face and patted down my body, looking for whatever it was that had them so agitated.

  Only when I really thought about it did I realize how cold my left foot was compared to the rest of my body. I looked over my shoulder.

  “Oh, duck me.”